his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
