I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
