my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
