Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
