Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
