I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
