Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
