Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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