I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
