you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
