Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
