Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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