Sponge bath it is.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
