I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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