The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
