and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize