just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
