Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
