I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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