anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
50% drunk capacity currently
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
