woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
