there's paper in my vomit.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
