He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
