my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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