Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
