Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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