I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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