I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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