so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
