The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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