After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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