I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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