He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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