Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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