Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
