Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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