My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize