Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just forgot I was standing up.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
