DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize