Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize