When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
