They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Ketchup is God's man juice
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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