I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ladies don't puke and tell
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
