I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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