my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize