one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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