I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
you never un-have a 4some
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
