Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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