Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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