We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
