Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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