There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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