i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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