I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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