I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
